News Arrives

“Indeed, my dear,” Mrs. Bonnet declared with delight, “Mrs. ____ informs me that That One Place has acquired a new tenant.”

Mr. Bonnet reclined in his armchair, fingers steepled, and murmured, “Pray tell why this concerns me?”

“My sweetest husband, we must attend the forthcoming ball!”

“Dear,” he said with gentle firmness, “I am absolutely disinclined, Mr. ____ and I have long planned to while away the evening on PlayStation™ that day.”

Unbeknownst to his wife, Mr. Bonnet was simply amusing himself and had intended to visit the new tenant the entire time, as the PlayStation™ had no games.

Unexpected Guests

Lydia Bonnet looked out the window wistfully. “Oh, that Mr. Lickham would return soon.”

Mrs. Bonnet burst into the room, catching her petticoat on a chair. “I just saw Mr. Lickham’s carriage! Everyone, quick, to your best pelisses and hats!”

Mr. Bonnet folded his newspaper, put on his glasses fancifully, uncrossed his legs, and took a fanciful sip of tea from the fanciful china Mrs. Bonnet had put away and forgotten about. He then stood, grabbed his fanciful cane, and prepared himself to greet the new visitors.

Elizabeth overheard her father’s courteous greeting—

“I trust you gentlemen endured no discomfort upon the road”

—“Gentlemen?” she thought, “surely not both!”

Mr. Barcy at that moment ducked beneath the doorway and emerged, his fedora barely touching the wood.

Mrs. Bonnet whispered behind folded hands. “Make me proud, girls.”

The sisters swept into the parlour trying to feign tranquil nonchalance, each walking with a different, exaggerated gait.

Brooding Man

Mr. Lickham greeted Lydia fancifully with a kiss that started awkwardly but ended with some intimate gasping, much to the discomfort of everyone except Mrs. Bonnet, who beamed with pride.

Mr. Barcy stood in a corner, still wearing his fedora and radiating parts wealth, brooding, and virginity. No one dared approach him except Elizabeth.

“Mr. Barcy,” she pronounced, “you are intolerable.”

He remained composed, readjusting his fedora slightly. “Nuh uh.”

“Mr. Lickham said-so,” she retorted.

Mr. Barcy’s face contorted like a raisin. He spoke in a hushed tone. “Regard his character with caution,” before withdrawing behind a drapery to continue brooding.

Barcy’s Lament

Elizabeth stared in wonder at That One Place. A bunch of adjectives could have described it wonderfully, but her mind had no time for adjectives, for she was grimacing at the memory of turning down Mr. Barcy’s proposal.

“Wait, doesn’t this make me look like a gold digger?”

Before she could push away her self-doubt, Mr. Barcy descending the staircase with stately precision. Their eyes locked. Both cheeks warmed.

Mr. Barcy drew a deep breath, trying to remember what the fine people on r/Seduction had advised.

“Miss Bonnet,” he began, shifting his pitch downwards awkwardly, “would you like a tour of my—I mean—Your pheromones are… agreeable today.” He tried to growl like the Alphas Elizabeth had been reading about on her Wattpad (he had found her profile with a cursory search), but only a pathetic “errr” came out.

Silence reigned, measured by the sweep of the staircase behind him.

Later that eve, /u/PemberleyDaddy made a text post to r/Seduction.